Oh go on then, if you insist. Search strings, as recorded in the site logs, coming up. Here are all of them for October if you like raw data. This list also includes ones from September and, as usual, I’ll do my best to help these poor souls.
- can you make someone vomit by punching them – I’m not sure. But it’s probably best not to wear your best shirt if you intend to engage in a spot of grievous bodily harm, whether it does or not.
- carrot size nipples – The very thought is probably enough to give adolescent bunnies wet dreams for weeks. Bung a couple of carrots down a nice tight jumper and parade yourself in front of a mirror. Why not try wearing a pair of floppy ears and some buck teeth? There is probably a name for this particular interest, but whatever it is, I bet your carrots won’t be the only things that are carrot sized.
- does your toddler vomit deliberately – No, he had an intolerance to eggs. I spent many a queasy afternoon hosing eggy chunks out of the push chair until we realised this. Kids are disgusting.
- 20 year old in nappies – Right. This is serious. While we were in the process of potty training Wibs I had a brainwave and it was this – why not just keep wearing nappies? Why do we use toilets? It’s just because everyone else does. Has anyone considered continuing nappies to adulthood? Upsides: it’s convenient – you can just let go wherever you want without worrying about finding a toilet. It’s more efficient because you don’t spend time splitting whiskers or splashing boots – everything is just emptied out at the end of the day (if your nappy is big enough). Downsides? There are none. Well, unless you are the sort of namby-pamby that objects to sitting in their own faeces. But then again, if toilets had never been invented, a better nappy would have been. It’s only because humans “graduate” to toilets that nappy technology has progressed so slowly. No-one bothers to make them better because by the time we are old enough to say “I’d rather not sit in my own poo, thank you”, we are coerced onto the bog with chocolate buttons and vague promises of being a “big boy”. If there were no toilets, nappies would be comfortable, stylish and self-emptying by now. So in answer to the original query: right on brother, I’m with you – why the fuck not?
- drill bit size for dum dum – Sounds like a book about drill sizes for really stupid people, but I bet you are actually looking for info on turning your boring ordinary bullets into those sexy hollow point “expanding” ones that cause larger wounds, the thought of which you use as the “finisher” while you wank furiously over Guns and Ammo Magazine. Well, naturally I can help. Simply clamp the bullet in a vice with the pointy bit facing you. Then take a punch and put a dint in that end, to make it easier to drill. To be on the safe side, better put one in the flat end too, remembering to look at the pointy end as you do so, in case you accidentally pop the first dint out. I’ll tell you how to do the rest of it next week. There. That’s another favour the world owes me.
- petrochemical plant cat ladder diamensions – It’s about 4’6″. 4’0″ if you give it a tin of tuna first.
- why do ugly things always seem to involve you – It’s because I have a secret farm of ugly things in the loft. Want to buy one? I can do you a nice deal on that grey one with the crooked teeth and nose that looks like a broken drainpipe bracket.
- nipples blog – Friday 14th November. Still got 2 of them. You would have thought it would be more interesting than that. But it’s not.
And the rest is just variations on toddler/dog/vomit/phlegm/green/poo theme that brings more people here than anything else. So I’m going to insert some happy fluffy nice clean cheerful healthy words in an effort to attract someone who isn’t currently staring in bewilderment at a puddle of puke.
Hello web user, who has stopped off at my bog following a badly spelled Google search. Your search terms appear in the site logs. I’ll do my best to help. You searched for:
- deep rawlplug – Ooh baby. Give me some of that hot plastic plaster-gripped screwing. It’s hard core, sweaty hole in the wall action.
- nine nail naich – That’s my name. That is what it takes to attach me securely to the ceiling. You don’t want to know what the 7th nail passes through.
- cack shop – I get mine from World of Cack. Sure you do pay a little bit more but it’s worth it for the customer service and free 2 year warranty. The quality of the cack is second to none too; you don’t have to worry about it forming a crust at a vital time, like just before the boss comes round. We’ve all been there, right? I’m talking lobster nipples.
- poo driver – This one isn’t as odd as it sounds. Available from any good golfing shop, this particular club is called this rather odd name due to the noise it makes as the ball is struck. While the sound is definitely unusual and the range is maybe not quite as far as a conventional wood, the accuracy of drive is unrivaled by any other type of driver. No of course not – I made that up. Fuck knows what that particular person was actually after and the results on Google are quite horrible.
- toddler vomiting balls of phlegm – Dum dum dum dum… You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain, too much love drives a man insane, you broke my will, but what a thrill, my toddler’s vomiting great balls of phlegm. Seriously though – get him to a doctor.
- can’t drill far enough into wall for rawl plug – The answer is simple. Move to a house with thinner walls. Either that or get a longer drill. Whichever is easier for you.
- fucking drl dog – I can’t advise on this one. However you interpret this particular search term, you end up in a place you don’t want to be.
- arthur askey smoking – You fucking pervert. I know what that means. Get help you sicko.
- don’t sayto mum where Ã¤Â± am – Don’t worry; I wouldn’t even if I could.
- can cocaine make you vomit – Well, what do you expect if you keep stuffing yourself on those cocaine and lard sandwiches?
- smoke outside the hospital doors – Fire in the sky, dum dum dum, dum dum de-duum, dum dum dum DUM DUM!
There you go. I’m glad I could be of some use to you.
When it comes to the search engine words that bring people here, the chunky carrot floodgates have opened and I’m up to my metaphorical knees in digital puke. Let’s get the technicolour yawns out of the way first:
- “does cocaine make you vomit”, “dog symptom white frothy vomit”, “toddler yellow vomit”, “dog coughing and vomiting white frothy” etc. etc... I don’t know if it’s all this vomit talk, but I feel sick. I would look up my symptoms on Google, but it seems I’d just end up back here.
- “how to get used to vomit”. Look after a baby for a few weeks and you will become old friends with the entire rainbow of bodily fluids the little chap can fire in your direction.
Now we’ve got that out of our system (and in a steaming puddle on the floor), let’s get down to… well, more bodily functions.
- “zoe ball farts”. She probably does. I’ll bet Gandhi and Mussolini farted too, but I don’t see why I’d need to look it up on Google to confirm it. Anyone got any ideas why her rectal emissions keep cropping up?
- “anal celery”. YES!!!! It’s been a few months since I seeded those words, but it had to bring someone in eventually. Someone who likes poking celery up their bottom. Now I’ve had success with that, I’ll try something a bit more obscure. Let’s see if “lobster nipples” hooks anyone in. This is a bit like reverse googlewhacking, but a fraction of the fun.
- “naich in nails”. I think you meant “Naich is nails”, and why yes, I am hard as fucking nails. Thank you. Either that or you were typing “nine inch nails” with fingers the size of cucumbers.
- “naked nibbl”. Sounds like fun. But if you are doing it in the kitchen, don’t get into a squabl about dribbl on the tabl.
- “prius bumper whiskers”. The latest fashion accessory for your faux green vehicle. Make your car look like Stalin with a huge bushy bumper moustache.
- “i-strut crimping”. Now, this could just be the way my mind works, but this conjures up an image of John Travolta in a white suit, dancing on a flashing disco floor in the style of someone who is desperately trying to hold in a large pooh whilst franticly searching his pockets for 10p for the public bogs. But that could just be me.
- “medised doesn’t work”. It just makes you worse. But I know I’ll see your face again.
That’ll do for now. Don’t forget those lobster nipples. You never know when you’ll need them.
What is it? It’s a trip to the vets and a bill that will get you hurking up white frothy phlegm too.
In the same way Victorian asylum owners would allow honoured guests to poke their unfortunate inmates with sharp sticks, here for your amusement are the search phrases that have brought people to my blog. People who were desperately searching for answers to real problems, only to find themselves here, having the piss taken out of them. Piss and yellow poo. Hee hee, snurk.
- prius car bandsaw – is that one shaped like the other or the best way to use one on the other?
- toddler cough symptom weasel sound – Has your toddler gotten a lot more hairy recently? Grown a bushy tail, a pointy nose and whiskers? You remember when you went for that picnic in the woods and you put your toddler down on the ground while you did up your shoelace? There’s a possibility you might have picked up something other than your child.
- toddler gets constant colds – Tell me about it. And any other disease that comes within 10 feet of them. Nibbles treated us to some fairly serious constipation recently and didn’t poo for a couple of days. He decided to let go just as I was running a belt-full of shopping through the till at Tescos. The nappy he was in didn’t stand a chance of containing the explosion and he almost blew a hole in the trolley seat. That was a fun drive home. Oh, and he’s got another cold now.
- blinking light in my bmw x3 – Yeah it’s supposed to do that. It’s called an indicator light and it shows other people what you are about to do with your fuck-ugly tank. You know that sticky out thing on the side of the steering column that you hang your handbag on? Try moving it up and down. See? That makes those orange lights blink. Now, believe it or not, there ARE other people on the road, and telling them where you are about to turn means they can take steps to avoid being crushed to death under the wheels of your Panzer.
- vomit blog kids – Now that’s a catchy name for a group of perky Web 2.0 teenagers with a video camera and a desperate lust for pointless fame on YouTube. It’s the Vomit Blog Kids! *dah de dah de dah* “Dudes! This week it’s vinegar! *Blooaargh*” etc. etc. Who am I kidding? It’s probably been done so much it’s passÃ©e. It’s probably happy stabbing or something equally revolting that’s in vogue now.
Oh good lord, it’s that time when I look at the website stats and see what searches have brought people here. Despite my valiant attempts to improve the class of searches by deliberately planting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” a few posts back, it’s more of the same really with the familiar theme of vomit/poo/BMWs.
Let’s start off with
- naked bmw driver – Scary
- adjectives beginning with s – that’s seriously and stupidly shit.
- my motorbike seems wobbly when i go fast – That’s a speed wobble caused by the resonant frequency of the steering system. The trick is to go faster and then it’ll stop. Or get a steering damper, but that’s not so fun. There you go – some genuinely helpful advice. Who says this blog is just full of useless crap?
- naked woman road rage – was this person a victim of it? I don’t know whether to be jealous or not.
- things your mum used to sayto you when you were a kid – “bloody hell, what are you doing in that bathroom day and night? Come on – other people need to use it too”.
- bmw wanker a bicycle – Naich confuser by search term.
- that’ll never happen no more tablature – yeah, but you always think that and then BAM – some more tablature comes along and you have to degrease your elk costume again.
- zoe ball farting – well, we’ve all wanted to find information on Zoe Ball’s rectal emissions at one time or another, haven’t we? Come on – admit it. You have.
So there we have it for another month. Celery anal leech, for the third and last time. Come on.
This month, people have mainly been stumbling across this blog as they searched for:
- “green poo toddler” / “baby yellow vomit” / “dark green poo toddler” / “pale poo vomit” / etc. etc. Nice to know that I’m still number one for the rainbow of diseased bodily fluids. Yay.
- “bmw angel eyes daytime running lights insurance” – er… Yes, very probably.
- “brakes making squidy noises” – Mine sound more like an octopus being fed through a blunt bandsaw.
- “does cocaine make green poo” – I had to look that one up myself – it doesn’t look like it does, interestingly enough. Probably something you ate.
- “fire coming out of a monkey tab” – It’s something to do with guitar notation for a song by the Gorillaz. Thank fuck for that.
- “fucking bmw drivers” – Taking the handbrake off and rolling them over a cliff should do it.
Right. I’m putting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” into this post to try for some interesting search queries for next month.
Searching Google for “brightly coloured poo” brings up my blog as the first hit out of 17,800. Naich’s Blog. Number One for people who like their turds with a bit more colour.
I found that out because the server logs (ho ho ho) showed that 2 people have landed at my page following a search for exactly that term. Other searches that led to my blog were “can you get chickenpox in you bum”, “dark green poo toddler” and (rather disturbingly) “your first enema”.
Highlights for June included “baby clear glob”, “naked bmw driver” and “clearing the nose of vomit” (I’m proud to be number 2 on Google for that one).
It’s then pretty dull until we get to April, with “help masturbation” (sorry, I’m busy at the moment) and “gotta survive or try to stay alive ho how old”. Well quite.
Finally, March has a disturbing “symptom coughing up lung”, presumably followed by a search for “how to clean bits of human organ out of your keyboard”.