Searching Google for “brightly coloured poo” brings up my blog as the first hit out of 17,800. Naich’s Blog. Number One for people who like their turds with a bit more colour.

I found that out because the server logs (ho ho ho) showed that 2 people have landed at my page following a search for exactly that term. Other searches that led to my blog were “can you get chickenpox in you bum”, “dark green poo toddler” and (rather disturbingly) “your first enema”.

Highlights for June included “baby clear glob”, “naked bmw driver” and “clearing the nose of vomit” (I’m proud to be number 2 on Google for that one).

It’s then pretty dull until we get to April, with “help masturbation” (sorry, I’m busy at the moment) and “gotta survive or try to stay alive ho how old”. Well quite.

Finally, March has a disturbing “symptom coughing up lung”, presumably followed by a search for “how to clean bits of human organ out of your keyboard”.