Spicy Potatoes!

Some spicy spuds, yesterday.

The Spicy Spud is a unique Cambridge phenomenon which probably occurs in other places too. Every fish and chip or kebab take away in Cambridge seems to do them – except the ones that don’t. There is no standard recipe or supplier, so each shop has their own version. This recipe is my attempt to recreate the spicy potato of my youth. Best eaten with huge gobs of chip shop mayonnaise – the nastiest, gloopiest, vinegarest, stuff available – after several pints of IPA and a terrible band at the Sea Cadet Hut. The Spicy Potato is heaven in a greasy cardboard box.

It is basically a potato chunk, covered in a batter and rolled in breadcrumbs. The only spice it actually contains is pepper but various salts are used to give it extra flavour. Adjust the ingredients to your taste until you are taken back to the halcyon days of The Destructors belting out “Sewage Worker” while you jump up and down and try not to spill your 70p pint.


  • 3 or 4 large potatoes. I use baking potatoes, chopped into roughly 30mm cubes.

For the batter:

  • 50g flour
  • 2 tsp onion salt
  • ½ tsp garlic granules
  • ½ tsp celery salt
  • 85ml milk

For the coating:

  • 6 Tbsp breadcrumbs
  • 6 Tbsp flour
  • 1 Tbsp coarse ground black pepper

Put the potatoes in boiling water, bring them back to the boil and simmer for 5 minutes. Drain well and make sure they are dry. Let them cool down for a bit. Don’t cook them until they are soft – we don’t want mashed potato.

Heat a pan of sunflower oil (about 40mm deep) to 140C. Pre-heat your oven to 180C.

Make the batter by mixing the ingredients together and smushing out the lumps. Coat the potatoes with the batter and put on a rack to drain the excess. You don’t want too much batter on them or you end up with huge lumps of coating. This can also happen if the batter is too thick.

Mix the coating ingredients and roll the battered pots in it to get a nice even coating. Be careful when handling them because it’s easy to scrape the coating off at this stage. Like Luke Skywalker, I use the forks to move them around.

Put them in the oil in batches of 4 or 5. Cook them for 30 seconds and whip them out again. All you are doing is solidifying the batter and infusing some oil into the coating. The actual cooking happens in the oven.

Put them on a baking tray and put them in the oven for 25 minutes, turning at 15 minutes. For an authentic non-crispy coating, cover them with foil after 15 minutes and cook for another 20 minutes.

Enjoy your spicy potatoes with the cheapest, most horriblest mayonnaise you can find.

Blowing chunks

Oh go on then, if you insist. Search strings, as recorded in the site logs, coming up. Here are all of them for October if you like raw data. This list also includes ones from September and, as usual, I’ll do my best to help these poor souls.

  • can you make someone vomit by punching them – I’m not sure. But it’s probably best not to wear your best shirt if you intend to engage in a spot of grievous bodily harm, whether it does or not.
  • carrot size nipples – The very thought is probably enough to give adolescent bunnies wet dreams for weeks. Bung a couple of carrots down a nice tight jumper and parade yourself in front of a mirror. Why not try wearing a pair of floppy ears and some buck teeth? There is probably a name for this particular interest, but whatever it is, I bet your carrots won’t be the only things that are carrot sized.
  • does your toddler vomit deliberately – No, he had an intolerance to eggs. I spent many a queasy afternoon hosing eggy chunks out of the push chair until we realised this. Kids are disgusting.
  • 20 year old in nappies – Right. This is serious. While we were in the process of potty training Wibs I had a brainwave and it was this – why not just keep wearing nappies? Why do we use toilets? It’s just because everyone else does. Has anyone considered continuing nappies to adulthood? Upsides: it’s convenient – you can just let go wherever you want without worrying about finding a toilet. It’s more efficient because you don’t spend time splitting whiskers or splashing boots – everything is just emptied out at the end of the day (if your nappy is big enough). Downsides? There are none. Well, unless you are the sort of namby-pamby that objects to sitting in their own faeces. But then again, if toilets had never been invented, a better nappy would have been. It’s only because humans “graduate” to toilets that nappy technology has progressed so slowly. No-one bothers to make them better because by the time we are old enough to say “I’d rather not sit in my own poo, thank you”, we are coerced onto the bog with chocolate buttons and vague promises of being a “big boy”. If there were no toilets, nappies would be comfortable, stylish and self-emptying by now. So in answer to the original query: right on brother, I’m with you – why the fuck not?
  • drill bit size for dum dum – Sounds like a book about drill sizes for really stupid people, but I bet you are actually looking for info on turning your boring ordinary bullets into those sexy hollow point “expanding” ones that cause larger wounds, the thought of which you use as the “finisher” while you wank furiously over Guns and Ammo Magazine. Well, naturally I can help. Simply clamp the bullet in a vice with the pointy bit facing you. Then take a punch and put a dint in that end, to make it easier to drill. To be on the safe side, better put one in the flat end too, remembering to look at the pointy end as you do so, in case you accidentally pop the first dint out. I’ll tell you how to do the rest of it next week. There. That’s another favour the world owes me.
  • petrochemical plant cat ladder diamensions – It’s about 4’6″. 4’0″ if you give it a tin of tuna first.
  • why do ugly things always seem to involve you – It’s because I have a secret farm of ugly things in the loft. Want to buy one? I can do you a nice deal on that grey one with the crooked teeth and nose that looks like a broken drainpipe bracket.
  • nipples blog – Friday 14th November. Still got 2 of them. You would have thought it would be more interesting than that. But it’s not.

And the rest is just variations on toddler/dog/vomit/phlegm/green/poo theme that brings more people here than anything else. So I’m going to insert some happy fluffy nice clean cheerful healthy words in an effort to attract someone who isn’t currently staring in bewilderment at a puddle of puke.

Search String

Hello web user, who has stopped off at my bog following a badly spelled Google search. Your search terms appear in the site logs. I’ll do my best to help. You searched for:

  • deep rawlplug – Ooh baby. Give me some of that hot plastic plaster-gripped screwing. It’s hard core, sweaty hole in the wall action.
  • nine nail naich – That’s my name. That is what it takes to attach me securely to the ceiling. You don’t want to know what the 7th nail passes through.
  • cack shop – I get mine from World of Cack. Sure you do pay a little bit more but it’s worth it for the customer service and free 2 year warranty. The quality of the cack is second to none too; you don’t have to worry about it forming a crust at a vital time, like just before the boss comes round. We’ve all been there, right? I’m talking lobster nipples.
  • poo driver – This one isn’t as odd as it sounds. Available from any good golfing shop, this particular club is called this rather odd name due to the noise it makes as the ball is struck. While the sound is definitely unusual and the range is maybe not quite as far as a conventional wood, the accuracy of drive is unrivaled by any other type of driver. No of course not – I made that up. Fuck knows what that particular person was actually after and the results on Google are quite horrible.
  • toddler vomiting balls of phlegm – Dum dum dum dum… You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain, too much love drives a man insane, you broke my will, but what a thrill, my toddler’s vomiting great balls of phlegm. Seriously though – get him to a doctor.
  • can’t drill far enough into wall for rawl plug – The answer is simple. Move to a house with thinner walls. Either that or get a longer drill. Whichever is easier for you.
  • fucking drl dog – I can’t advise on this one. However you interpret this particular search term, you end up in a place you don’t want to be.
  • arthur askey smoking – You fucking pervert. I know what that means. Get help you sicko.
  • don’t sayto mum where ä± am – Don’t worry; I wouldn’t even if I could.
  • can cocaine make you vomit – Well, what do you expect if you keep stuffing yourself on those cocaine and lard sandwiches?
  • smoke outside the hospital doors – Fire in the sky, dum dum dum, dum dum de-duum, dum dum dum DUM DUM!

There you go. I’m glad I could be of some use to you.