Swimming against the tide

You would have thought that two vasectomies would be enough to stop the little buggers getting through, but no.  The first set of tests have come back positive for (frankly quite impressive) swimmers.  I’m shortly going to be cracking off with what will be my 10th test since I started this whole thing, and I’m starting to get worried. My palms are all hairy and I now fancy plastic sample pots.  Looks like a 3rd vasectomy could be on the cards…

The unkindest cut of all

Now I’ve failed my third sperm test, it looks like the vasectomy I had last year didn’t make a vas deferens to my fertility.  Of course, the good thing about having a failed vasectomy is that I can crack that joke.   And I suppose it’ll be nice to have another chinwag with the doctor about work and the dreadful state of the roads around Cambridge, but all things considered, I’d prefer not have to make idle chit-chat with a man who is wiggling a knife around in my goolies.

Apparently 1 in 2000 vasectomies don’t work.  I don’t really see what can go wrong – you chop a couple of pipes and seal the ends up.  I could do that myself with a penknife and a soldering iron.  Unless the doctor has trouble counting past 1, in order to fail, the little wriggly buggers must have repaired the pipes.  I’ve got millions of Bob the Builders living in my scrotum.  Can they fix it?  Yes, the little fuckers can.  I wonder if I could get them to fix the toaster?  I might chuck a few in there to see what happens.

Oh, and hello Ross.  Sorry for damaging your property.

Update: The doctor gave it some extra cauterising this time.  As the room echoed to the crackling of searing flesh, I heard a voice from behind the veil of smoke say “I’d like to see them get past THAT…”

Revising for a sperm test

Further to this post, I’m quite horrified to find out that I have failed my sperm test. I’m going to have to re-sit it and hope I pass it the second time. If I fail again, then my goolies will be sliced and diced for a second time. Mind you, if the inhabitants are strong enough to make it past two cauterised ends of vas deferens, then putting two more blockages in their way is only going to make them angry. They might start looking for other ways out. I’ve had a persistent cough for a while now and I’m starting to wonder if what I’m coughing up is actually phlegm.

I’m also worried that if I have to provide too many more samples, I’m going to start getting aroused at the sight of small plastic bottles.

Swimmers certificate

I had to take a post-vasectomy custard sample in to the doctors this morning. I wondered (in an email fashion) to Tim if I should have written “with love” on the label. He replied that I should have written “thinking of you”.

Sheer class.