I want to discover a fundamental force of nature. What I’ll do is give it the unit of a “manilli”. Everyone will wonder why until they realise what 1/1000th of a manilli is. Then they will get that awful tune stuck in their head and hate me.
-
-
December 7, 2011 / Wibblings
I’ve not had much to say for myself recently. Obviously I’ve had no interesting thoughts since June, and then it was about getting bits of metal out of a skip. What a life I must lead.
Highlights since the last blog entry:
- Fixed the brakes on my bike
- Fixed the washing line
- Poisoned two rats
- Pumped up the car’s tyres
- Went bungee jumping in Wales, fell 200 feet before the rope snapped, crashed head-first into an underground cavern where I discovered that Keith Harris was plotting to use a nuclear arsenal to overthrow the world’s governments and install Orville the Duck as Supreme Overlord of the Earth, beat him up with my bare hands, pulled Orville’s stuffing out and disarmed 24 nuclear bombs using nothing but my knowledge of Portable Appliance Testing and an elastic band the postman had dropped outside the front door
- Mowed the lawn
- Bought a long handled spoon
I made one of those up, by the way.
-
June 15, 2011 / Beer, Destroy It Yourself, Skip diving
And lo! did Naich go rummaging in the Cav. skips in search of a bit of metal that would hold his reservoir securely in his chiller box. Praying to Ceilliau Blewog, the goddess of salvage, he dived head first into the metals skip. And in her wisdom Ceilliau Blewog did deliver unto his hand the perfect bit of metal, complete with holes already drilled in it. And there was much rejoicing. And Naich did praise Ceilliau Blewog and promise to offer up a sacrifice of a small annoying cat on his return home.
-
February 15, 2011 / Uncategorized
Have a look at this story – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-12449643 Headline: “Million children ‘severely maltreated’, says NSPCC”.
Holy shit! “One in four people in the UK, aged between 18 and 24, claims to have experienced severe violence, sexual abuse or neglect as a child, says the children’s charity the NSPCC.”
Then you read the article and find out that the study which was about rape, attempted rape and physical abuse “also included ‘serious emotional neglect or lack of physical care or supervision’, which it defined as including ‘parents never or hardly ever asking their child who they were going out with or where or what they were doing’.”
Ah. That’s bad, but it’s not in the same league as rape or physical assault.
“This category also included children reporting that ‘the child’s family never let the child know they cared about them’.”
Again, not good but putting it in the same category as rape and physical assault? But maybe I’m cynical and it’s not the case that the vast majority of abuse was in this far lower category that just happened to be lumped into the ones that grab headlines? Let’s take a look at the report and see the actual numbers. Ah. The “report” seems to be mainly pictures of sad looking children, quotes of horrendous abuse and NSPCC logos. Not many numbers to work with.
This is why I don’t give money to the NSPCC – they use dodgy data to lobby and further their own cause. They use tabloid tactics to mislead people into a think-of-the-children panic based on scary headlines.
Every time I see bullshit like this it reminds me why I donate to Barnardos instead.
-
January 31, 2011 / Wibblings
Here’s how to get rich.
1. Hire an empty shop for a couple of weeks.
2. Find a sofa/bed/whatever shop that is doing one of these “if you can find it cheaper, we’ll give you double the difference” deals.
3. Buy a sofa/bed/whatever from the shop.
4. Sell it in your shop at 1/2 the price you bought it for.
5. Go back to the sofa/bed/whatever shop and demand double the difference, citing the prices at your shop.
6. Go back to step 3, using the money they just gave you. Keep doing this until you have all their stock in your shop.
Congratulations! You now have a fully stocked shop for the price of one sofa/bed/whatever. Everyone will buy from your shop because that other one is twice the price and never has anything in stock.
-
December 2, 2010 / Family life
They’re caught in a nut,
they can’t swim out,
because I don’t want any more babies…I’ve got the all-clear letter framed and hung above the bed.
Tags: love custard, vasectomy
-
September 15, 2010 / Family life
You would have thought that two vasectomies would be enough to stop the little buggers getting through, but no. The first set of tests have come back positive for (frankly quite impressive) swimmers. I’m shortly going to be cracking off with what will be my 10th test since I started this whole thing, and I’m starting to get worried. My palms are all hairy and I now fancy plastic sample pots. Looks like a 3rd vasectomy could be on the cards…
Tags: bashing the bishop, burping the worm, hairy palms, love custard, onanism, sperm, vasectomy
-
August 26, 2010 / Wibblings
Mine wasn’t as noble as MLK’s. I dreamed I was sleeping with Bruce Forsythe for his money. It was horrible. He was all wrinkly and smelt of gin.
-
July 12, 2010 / Family life
Got Wibs Star Wars Lego for the PS2 and we had a 2 player game before one
of the controllers broke.Wibs: “Daddy – why did you kill Jar Jar Binks?”
Me: “Sorry, it was an accident”
Wibs: “Daddy – don’t kill Jar Jar Binks”
Me: “Sorry Wibs, I mistook him for someone else”
Wibs: “Daddy – stop killing Jar Jar Binks”
Me: “Sorry Wibs, my finger slipped”
Wibs: “DADDY! STOP KILLING JAR JAR BINKS”
Me: “Oh go on. Just once more” -
June 16, 2010 / Destroy It Yourself, Road rage, Skip diving
It’s my new bike. Behold:
My faithless steed
She is a mixture of Taliban (wheels, front brakes, gears), Jedward (seat, pedals, mudguard, handlebars) and the skip-rescue bike, which I called Black Death. In order to commemorate the unholy union of 3 shitty bikes, her name is Jelideath. Let her name ring down through the ages whenever a shit bicycle is mentioned.
