Naich’s crappy blog

If you apply for a job at Cambridge University, you’ll have to fill out a form from their HR department. Which is fine if you don’t mind printing out the PDF and filling it in by hand. To fill it in on a PC is a bit more difficult. The only other options are .doc and .rtf files, which don’t open properly in OpenOffice. In fact they don’t open properly on my copy of MS Office at work either.

So I re-created it on OpenOffice. Here is the PD17 form in an open format. I tidied up some of the more egregious mistakes from the original, but it’s still a bit grim, formatting-wise. It should be OK for editing and printing though, and at least you can open it in OpenOffice without it crashing down in 100% CPU flames.

Tasteful

What do Princess Di, the Flying Scotsman and a blue tit hatching out of an egg have in common? They have all been the subjects of adverts for truly dreadful shit, as sold in the TV Times.

Even the people that make this fuck-awful tat can’t quite believe that anyone would be mental enough to buy it, so they wait until they’ve got enough people signed up before they start up the production line and these nightmares become real.

Words cannot describe the awfulness, so in order to preserve these adverts for future generations, I’m collecting the best examples on asshol.es

Enjoy!

Ooh, prickly

I was walking back to the house, having just done a quick milk dash to the Coop with young Jimbo in the buggy. As I passed the church on the way back, I saw a poster in the window. It said:

Life After Death?

and had one of those thingies on the right here next to it. I think you are supposed to use them to keep your trilby on in high winds or something. I prefer to use Blu-tack myself.

Anyway, without thinking and talking aloud, I heard myself say “Life after death? No bloody thanks, I want a rest”.

Long time no drivel. I’ve been hanging around at Blah Your Branes, which is a site dedicated to taking the piss out of people who post to the BBC’s “Have Your Say” board. It might sound a bit odd, but have a look if you aren’t easily offended.

Now, to business. I received this rather splendid Nigerian 419 Scam this morning. It’s not the normal one though, it’s a kind of meta-scam which I found quite charming, in a fraudulent sort of way. They are obviously running out of victims and are re-visiting existing ones, mopping up those who go beyond merely dumb and greedy, charting new waters into the terminally gullible.

Subject: Compensation Notice

NIGERIAN FOREIGN PAYMENT INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
ANTI-FRAUD DEPARTMENT

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE CHAIRMAN
ANTI FRAUD DEPARTMENT
(under the auspices of EFCC)
ABUJA, NIGERIA.

Attn: Scammed Victim,

This notice is to keep you informed that Mr. President/commander in-chief of armed forces federal republic of Nigeria,during the last federal executive council meeting inaugurated both bodies ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION (EFCC) in collaboration with the UNITED NATIONS (UN). I was mandated by both bodies to apologize to all those involved in the scam by Nigerians,and those listed for this exercise and of which you are among the list of scammed victims.

Note that money valued USD100, 000.00 has been approved in your favor as compensation following directives of Mr. President and therefore you are advised to forward the following information?s below to enable the apex bank process your fund for payment to you without any form of interference or delay.

Full Names:
Your Complete Home Address:
Your Tel/Mobile Numbers:

We will appreciate your immediate response; hence we have 7 working days to conclude with this exercise.

Best Regards,

Mr. Tom West
For EFCC & UN

Isn’t that lovely? I would almost wish them luck with it, if I didn’t already wish them a fiery and painful death as they roast slowly on a spit.

Adverts for the UK lottery make me want to rant. So I will.

Let’s give it up for the optimists out there. Don’t just dream of being a lucky winner – think big and think positive, as those dreams could come true.

No they won’t. Sorry to be a spoilsport here, but you will not win the lottery. Yes, I know someone has to win it, but it won’t be you. Yes, I can say that for certain. You will not win the lottery.

It’s not that the odds are low, it’s just how mind-bendingly low those odds are. Let’s give it up for the optimists out there. Give what up? Thinking? No, let’s actually have a think for those people who can’t really grasp huge numbers, which is all of us really. I’m not exactly a genius (I know, false modesty…) and I can’t get my head round the numbers either. So let’s try to put things in perspective…

Think about when you and someone toss a coin to decide who does the washing up, changes the nappy etc. Think about how often you win. Well, it’s half the time, isn’t it? Now take this coin and flip it. Got a heads? Excellent. You only need to get the equivalent of 23 more consecutive heads to win the lottery jackpot. If any one of those tosses results in a tails you lose. So that’s

1. Flip-Heads [2:1]
   (It’s worth considering here, that after just one flip and with all those other flips stretching out below, you’ll only get to this point half the time)
2. Flip-Heads [4:1]
   (We are only two flips in and already there is more chance you’ll get cancer than flip 2 heads in a row. Sorry about this, but you are almost 5 million times more likely to get cancer than win the lottery)
   
3. Flip-Heads [8:1]
   
4. Flip-Heads [16:1]
   
5. Flip-Heads [32:1]
   
6. Flip-Heads [64:1]
   
7. Flip-Heads [128:1]
   (It is more probable that your car was stolen this year than to flip 7 heads in a row)
   
8. Flip-Heads [256:1]
9. Flip-Heads [512:1]
   
10. Flip-Heads [1,024:1]
    
11. Flip-Heads [2,048:1]
    
12. Flip-Heads [4,096:1]
    (Half way there, and you are more likely to have died in a car crash than to have got this far)
    
13. Flip-Heads [8,192:1]
    
14. Flip-Heads [16,384:1]
    
15. Flip-Heads [:132,768]
    
16. Flip-Heads [65,536:1]
    
17. Flip-Heads [131,072:1]
    (If you managed to survive the car wreck at flip 12, a bee or snake sting will kill you here)
18. Flip-Heads [262,144:1]
    
19. Flip-Heads [524,288:1]
    
20. Flip-Heads [1,048,576:1]
    At this point, with odds of just 1/730,000, it is now more likely that the supervolcano in Yellowstone Park has erupted and wiped out life on earth as we know it.
    
21. Flip-Heads [2,097,152:1]
    
22. Flip-Heads [4,194,304:1]
    (If the cancer, drunk driver or killer bees didn’t kill you earlier, if the Yellowstone supervolcano didn’t wipe out life on earth, this is where you die in a plane crash)
23. Flip-Heads [8,388,608:1]
    
24. Flip-Heads [16,777,216:1]
    (Actually it’s only 14,000,000:1 but what’s a couple of million when the numbers are this big?)

Yay! You won! If you play the lottery weekly, on average it’ll take just 4,500 lifetimes to win. Assuming you get reincarnated a lot.

But never mind. There are other prizes aren’t there? Tell you what – forget about the odds – look at the lottery as an investment. Give me a quid and I’ll give you back 20p. OK, I’m actually being a bit more generous than the lottery is, but I’m nice like that.

Invest your money in me and I’ll give you more back than the lottery does. I’ll take Paypal payments. Go on. Give it up.

Oh go on then, if you insist. Search strings, as recorded in the site logs, coming up. Here are all of them for October if you like raw data. This list also includes ones from September and, as usual, I’ll do my best to help these poor souls.

• can you make someone vomit by punching them – I’m not sure. But it’s probably best not to wear your best shirt if you intend to engage in a spot of grievous bodily harm, whether it does or not.
• carrot size nipples – The very thought is probably enough to give adolescent bunnies wet dreams for weeks. Bung a couple of carrots down a nice tight jumper and parade yourself in front of a mirror. Why not try wearing a pair of floppy ears and some buck teeth? There is probably a name for this particular interest, but whatever it is, I bet your carrots won’t be the only things that are carrot sized.
  
• does your toddler vomit deliberately – No, he had an intolerance to eggs. I spent many a queasy afternoon hosing eggy chunks out of the push chair until we realised this. Kids are disgusting.
  
• 20 year old in nappies – Right. This is serious. While we were in the process of potty training Wibs I had a brainwave and it was this – why not just keep wearing nappies? Why do we use toilets? It’s just because everyone else does. Has anyone considered continuing nappies to adulthood? Upsides: it’s convenient – you can just let go wherever you want without worrying about finding a toilet. It’s more efficient because you don’t spend time splitting whiskers or splashing boots – everything is just emptied out at the end of the day (if your nappy is big enough). Downsides? There are none. Well, unless you are the sort of namby-pamby that objects to sitting in their own faeces. But then again, if toilets had never been invented, a better nappy would have been. It’s only because humans “graduate” to toilets that nappy technology has progressed so slowly. No-one bothers to make them better because by the time we are old enough to say “I’d rather not sit in my own poo, thank you”, we are coerced onto the bog with chocolate buttons and vague promises of being a “big boy”. If there were no toilets, nappies would be comfortable, stylish and self-emptying by now. So in answer to the original query: right on brother, I’m with you – why the fuck not?
• drill bit size for dum dum – Sounds like a book about drill sizes for really stupid people, but I bet you are actually looking for info on turning your boring ordinary bullets into those sexy hollow point “expanding” ones that cause larger wounds, the thought of which you use as the “finisher” while you wank furiously over Guns and Ammo Magazine. Well, naturally I can help. Simply clamp the bullet in a vice with the pointy bit facing you. Then take a punch and put a dint in that end, to make it easier to drill. To be on the safe side, better put one in the flat end too, remembering to look at the pointy end as you do so, in case you accidentally pop the first dint out. I’ll tell you how to do the rest of it next week. There. That’s another favour the world owes me.
• petrochemical plant cat ladder diamensions – It’s about 4′6″. 4′0″ if you give it a tin of tuna first.
  
• why do ugly things always seem to involve you – It’s because I have a secret farm of ugly things in the loft. Want to buy one? I can do you a nice deal on that grey one with the crooked teeth and nose that looks like a broken drainpipe bracket.
• nipples blog – Friday 14th November. Still got 2 of them. You would have thought it would be more interesting than that. But it’s not.

And the rest is just variations on toddler/dog/vomit/phlegm/green/poo theme that brings more people here than anything else. So I’m going to insert some happy fluffy nice clean cheerful healthy words in an effort to attract someone who isn’t currently staring in bewilderment at a puddle of puke.

A word of advice if you selling something on Ebay to an international buyer using Paypal – don’t. Well, at least read this first before you do and don’t come running to me when Paypal decide that your money is safer with them and they’ll just hang on to it, thank you so very much, you horrible potential thief.

so, as you’ve probably guessed by now, this post isn’t even going to have any attempted humour in it, other than some bitter sarcasm, maybe.

When I sold a certain item on Ebay, it was to a Canadian gentleman. As the item was quite heavy and large I didn’t bother setting things up for an international sale, but this guy was very keen and gave me a good price. So I looked up the carriage on it. It was £71. Holy fuck. Still, he’s paying for it; and he did pay for it, nice and quickly with Paypal. So I packaged it up and decide to transfer the money over to my bank before sending it. I’m not quite destitute yet but a £71 sized hole in my budget isn’t something I’d want for very long.

Paypal says “no, you can’t have your money”. I might be a crook for all they know, so they’ll just look after it for a while. It’s being “Temporarily held” to “help ensure that the transactions go smoothly.” It is released, apparently, “after 21 days without a buyer dispute, claim, chargeback or other action. The hold may be released earlier if buyer leaves positive feedback.” Which isn’t much use to me as it’ll take up to 30 days to get there. So that’s 3 weeks I’ll be out of pocket by £71, which will be lounging around in Paypal’s account, gathering interest for them. That’s a tiny part of Ebay’s $280m profit or, to put it another way, the value of a week’s worth of groceries that I’m lending them for free.

By the way, isn’t it handy that this particular service to the public – helping innocent Ebayans have smooth transactions with potential villains, also lets them earn interest on all the money they are looking after on behalf of their grateful customers? I bet they didn’t even think of this when they set it up – they just have their customer’s interests at heart, after all.

Anyway, I explained the situation to my Canadian buyer and suggested that I refund him the money, as I cannot afford to send it while Paypal are hanging on to the carriage money. Instead he gave me positive feedback to release the funds.

Yes, that’s right. Paypal’s buyer protection policy, designed to squeeze a few more pennies out of it’s customers…, er I mean save innocent buyers from unscrupulous bastards such as me, put him in a position where he had to give positive feedback for an item which hadn’t even been posted to him yet. Nice one Paypal. Good job I’m honest, isn’ t it?

But it gets better. This all happened 5 days ago, so the money was released 5 days ago, right? Nah, Paypal decided that it liked his money so much, it wouldn’t pass it on to me after all. I’ve sent emails to Paypal, the first of which was answered by “Miles” who blamed the computer and said he would get it taken off hold. It wasn’t, so I emailed them again and asked my buyer to email them too, which he did. They sent him a similar message as the one sent to me the first time (except that it contained factually incorrect information about their holding policies, namely that if I marked it as sent it would be taken it off hold) and ignored the email I sent.

So I’ve just given up and refunded him. There was no sign that the money was ever going to be taken off hold.

Based on my experiences, what would my advice be? Well, for one thing, don’t treat Paypal as a bank and don’t keep any money in your account. They are not a bank, are not bound by the rules that govern banks, and can choose to keep your money at any time without warning and there’s nothing you can do about it. Also, if there is any danger that your money will be put on hold, avoid using them for international transactions. This site has plenty more Paypal horror stories.

And finally, as they might still say on the News at Ten (I can’t watch it these days – it’s just too awful), they asked me to complete a questionnaire to see if I was satisfied with their customer service. I decided to be honest.

The curve of Cuteness Vs. Volume.

Young Nibbles can be proud that I have named this graph after him. He can cover the whole range in the space of a few seconds, but does seem to enjoy spending time in the right hand side.

Hello web user, who has stopped off at my bog following a badly spelled Google search. Your search terms appear in the site logs. I’ll do my best to help. You searched for:

• deep rawlplug - Ooh baby. Give me some of that hot plastic plaster-gripped screwing. It’s hard core, sweaty hole in the wall action.
• nine nail naich - That’s my name. That is what it takes to attach me securely to the ceiling. You don’t want to know what the 7th nail passes through.
• cack shop - I get mine from World of Cack. Sure you do pay a little bit more but it’s worth it for the customer service and free 2 year warranty. The quality of the cack is second to none too; you don’t have to worry about it forming a crust at a vital time, like just before the boss comes round. We’ve all been there, right? I’m talking lobster nipples.
  
• poo driver – This one isn’t as odd as it sounds. Available from any good golfing shop, this particular club is called this rather odd name due to the noise it makes as the ball is struck. While the sound is definitely unusual and the range is maybe not quite as far as a conventional wood, the accuracy of drive is unrivaled by any other type of driver. No of course not – I made that up. Fuck knows what that particular person was actually after and the results on Google are quite horrible.
  
• toddler vomiting balls of phlegm – Dum dum dum dum… You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain, too much love drives a man insane, you broke my will, but what a thrill, my toddler’s vomiting great balls of phlegm. Seriously though – get him to a doctor.
• can’t drill far enough into wall for rawl plug – The answer is simple. Move to a house with thinner walls. Either that or get a longer drill. Whichever is easier for you.
  
• fucking drl dog – I can’t advise on this one. However you interpret this particular search term, you end up in a place you don’t want to be.
• arthur askey smoking – You fucking pervert. I know what that means. Get help you sicko.
  
• don’t sayto mum where ä± am – Don’t worry; I wouldn’t even if I could.
• can cocaine make you vomit – Well, what do you expect if you keep stuffing yourself on those cocaine and lard sandwiches?
• smoke outside the hospital doors – Fire in the sky, dum dum dum, dum dum de-duum, dum dum dum DUM DUM!

There you go. I’m glad I could be of some use to you.

1. Taliban, my “new” bike* has got a sticker on it, proudly announcing that it’s made from “Ferrocarbon”. Wow! That’s some super space-age high-tech stuff, surely? Oh, hang on. “Ferro” = iron? Iron and carbon… oh yes, that’s steel. So it’s got a steel frame. Wow. That’s great. So much better than manky old aluminium or carbon fibre.
2. Riding in the blazing heat makes you hot, sweaty and stinky.  If you are already hot and stinky from a 3 mile cycle ride home in the blazing heat, a large dollop of baby sick, applied down your bare back does not improve your aroma.
3. If a co-worker cycles to the pub and back, parking his bike next to yours on his return, don’t be totally surprised if you find that he’s accidentally locked your bike up instead of his.
4. Cheap bike locks that look butch can be removed in 3 minutes with a hammer and a hacksaw. If you know what you are doing you can have the bugger off in 20 seconds.
5. If you stop your bike to ask a white van driver why he carved you up and he responds by shouting “fuck you” through the closed window, pointing and laughing at him will make him so cross he will actually try to run you over. So this one is best attempted while he’s stuck in traffic that you can get past easily. It is very funny though.
6. The only remotely interesting things to happen to me always seem to involve bicycles in some way.

* “New” as in “given to me by a friend because he hated riding it so much”. It might be slow, heavy and a bit crap but… er… um… Anyway, Taliban puts the “fun” into “fundamental”. And the “mental”.  And, presumably, the “da” too, but I’ve no idea what that means.