How about some more beans, Mr Taggart?

It’s 4.20am and young Nibbles is thrashing around and crying in the corner of our bedroom, suffering from some nasty wind. When you are only 18 inches long, a bubble of gas going through your digestive tract is a big deal and it’s understandable that he gets upset. I’m comforting him, giving him little pats and ssshhhs and popping a dummy in when he wants it. Then –

Pppphhhhhrrrppbb!

“That was him” I hasten to tell Jen, lest she think I’m some sort of flatulent oaf that just stands there, venting gas while his son is in pain.

Pbbbffffpphhhhb! “Oh, actually that one was me”

Phhhhhuurrrt! “That was him again”

Pppbbbbbbbt! “Sorry – me that time”

Phhhhhbbpppbb! “That was him, honestly”…

And so on, much in the vein of the beans scene from Blazing Saddles. “Like father, like son” Jen observed in a sleep-deprived sort of way. I must say that the little guy makes me proud.

What is it when dog gags up white frothy phlem?

What is it? It’s a trip to the vets and a bill that will get you hurking up white frothy phlegm too.

In the same way Victorian asylum owners would allow honoured guests to poke their unfortunate inmates with sharp sticks, here for your amusement are the search phrases that have brought people to my blog. People who were desperately searching for answers to real problems, only to find themselves here, having the piss taken out of them. Piss and yellow poo. Hee hee, snurk.

  • prius car bandsaw – is that one shaped like the other or the best way to use one on the other?
  • toddler cough symptom weasel sound – Has your toddler gotten a lot more hairy recently? Grown a bushy tail, a pointy nose and whiskers? You remember when you went for that picnic in the woods and you put your toddler down on the ground while you did up your shoelace? There’s a possibility you might have picked up something other than your child.
  • toddler gets constant colds – Tell me about it. And any other disease that comes within 10 feet of them. Nibbles treated us to some fairly serious constipation recently and didn’t poo for a couple of days. He decided to let go just as I was running a belt-full of shopping through the till at Tescos. The nappy he was in didn’t stand a chance of containing the explosion and he almost blew a hole in the trolley seat. That was a fun drive home. Oh, and he’s got another cold now.
  • blinking light in my bmw x3 – Yeah it’s supposed to do that. It’s called an indicator light and it shows other people what you are about to do with your fuck-ugly tank. You know that sticky out thing on the side of the steering column that you hang your handbag on? Try moving it up and down. See? That makes those orange lights blink. Now, believe it or not, there ARE other people on the road, and telling them where you are about to turn means they can take steps to avoid being crushed to death under the wheels of your Panzer.
  • vomit blog kids – Now that’s a catchy name for a group of perky Web 2.0 teenagers with a video camera and a desperate lust for pointless fame on YouTube. It’s the Vomit Blog Kids! *dah de dah de dah* “Dudes! This week it’s vinegar! *Blooaargh*” etc. etc. Who am I kidding? It’s probably been done so much it’s passée. It’s probably happy stabbing or something equally revolting that’s in vogue now.

Nibbles!

Just a quick post to make up for the lack of blathering recently. I’d like to say that the reason for this is that I’ve been occupied with our latest wibbler, James, but that doesn’t really wash because I’ve had time to not only sort out his website with the novelty “nibbl.es” domain, but also another one of “asshol.es”. So there we go – I’m a big fat liar of a weasel with two absolutely hilarious new domains. Mind the ribs. Oh yes, “asshol.es” is for sale, if you want it. Just don’t tell me what you intend to put on it. I’ve seen things that… well, just don’t tell me, OK?

But the important thing is that James is doing fine. He’s got the nickname “Nibbles” because he’s always hungry; if he’s not attached to a boob, he’s not happy. Insert obvious joke here. The reason becomes clear when you realise that his weight has increased from 7lbs 1oz to 9lbs in two weeks. So he’s putting on a pound every week – that’s 14% of his body weight. No wonder he’s hungry all the time – that’s like me putting on almost 2 stones in a week. That’s some serious porking.

That’s it for now. I’ll be getting back to the normal codswallop, vague unfocussed rantings all too soon.

Naked vomit poo driver

Oh good lord, it’s that time when I look at the website stats and see what searches have brought people here. Despite my valiant attempts to improve the class of searches by deliberately planting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” a few posts back, it’s more of the same really with the familiar theme of vomit/poo/BMWs.

Let’s start off with

  • naked bmw driver – Scary
  • adjectives beginning with s – that’s seriously and stupidly shit.
  • my motorbike seems wobbly when i go fast – That’s a speed wobble caused by the resonant frequency of the steering system. The trick is to go faster and then it’ll stop. Or get a steering damper, but that’s not so fun. There you go – some genuinely helpful advice. Who says this blog is just full of useless crap?
  • naked woman road rage – was this person a victim of it? I don’t know whether to be jealous or not.
  • things your mum used to sayto you when you were a kid – “bloody hell, what are you doing in that bathroom day and night? Come on – other people need to use it too”.
  • bmw wanker a bicycle – Naich confuser by search term.
  • that’ll never happen no more tablature – yeah, but you always think that and then BAM – some more tablature comes along and you have to degrease your elk costume again.
  • zoe ball farting – well, we’ve all wanted to find information on Zoe Ball’s rectal emissions at one time or another, haven’t we? Come on – admit it. You have.

So there we have it for another month. Celery anal leech, for the third and last time. Come on.

P01NTL E55PLA T35

w4nkaOne of the best ever letters to Viz Magazine has to be the one from a Mr. KWZ 625V of Hull, who suggested “rather than buy an expensive personalised number plate, simply change your name to match your existing one”.

It makes sense, especially as the UK numberplate system is that much more inflexible than the Yanks (unless you want to have “OPECFU”, in which case the DMV, their version of our DVLA, will send you a nice letter saying “fuck you“), forcing many people to use numbers as 73tter5. So unless you already have numbers in your name then you are going to end up with something a bit crap, like “K3VIN” or “TRA6Y” (in an weird font to try and make the “6” look a bit more like a “C”).

Not that the incoherence stops people shelling out large sums of money for a crass symbol of someone with bad taste and too much money. Looking at the DVLA’s site, they start off at £600 for ones that are utterly meaningless. You want one that actually resembles a word? That’ll cost you the price of a small hatchback. Furthermore, they usually require weird letter spacing and black screw heads to actually make any sense at all and besides, all the good ones have been bought already.

But surely the most pitiful sight I’ve seen recently was on the back of a BMW X3 penguin killer. It read thus:

M4137E
(MABLE)

It was so crap it required an explanation underneath. I’m not joking; underneath the jumble of alphanumerics was written, in brackets, what it was supposed to say. That’s pretty piss poor by anyone’s standards but why have the explanation at all? Did she (I assume it was a she) think that anyone following her would be seriously wowed? “So the 4 is A and the 1 and 3 run together to make B, which leaves 7 which is a bit like an L… Holy shit! that car is being driven by mabel!” For those who already know her name, the need for an aid to decipher her personalised plate is less than impressive and I could be going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing that the people who don’t already know her couldn’t give a diseased rat’s arse what her name is. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I felt cheated that I’d used a percentage of my brain’s power to decipher a useless, pathetic piece of information that I never wanted to know anyway.

In case you are thinking to yourself “well, it must be worth it to Mabel because she’s now got her own blog entry”, I’d like to point out that the name has been changed. Not to protect her identity, but because I really can’t remember what it was. Her name has gone and all that remains is the memory that her car’s personalised plate was so appallingly convoluted that it needed an explanation under it.

Well done, whoever you are. That’s money well spent.

I collect internets

EU ParliamentThis is the story of how I almost got two copies of the World Wide Web stored on my web server. Yes, the entire World Wide Web. 2 Copies. Now, I’m a geek so I’m not sure how much of this “normal” people (like yourself) will be able to follow, so if you find yourself getting bored, please skip to another blog entry which will almost certainly have nothing more than ranting and swearing in it. For the rest of you, read on…

I had an email waiting for me this morning. Nothing unusual there – despite Spamassassin doing its best, I usually have the opportunity to enralge my mebmer, claim money from lotteries I’ve never entered or help wealthy Nigerian businessmen get rid of colossal quantities of money every morning. This one however, was telling me that the disk space on my server had just run out. So no enormous genitals or wads of cash for me this morning then.

Logging on, it became apparent that about 3 Gigs of hard drive space was being eaten up by something and heading over to the log files showed that the MySQL database had written 3GB of logs over the past couple of weeks. What was puzzling was that the database seemed to be filling up with copies of the European Parliament web site. In Slovakian. Argh! Rooted! Someone with a grudge has got control of my server and is using it to DOS attack the Slovakian language version of the European Parliament web site. Quick! Who is connected to the server? Hmm… Googlebot is getting a page and now there are a load of connections to other web servers. Hang on, what page is Google getting? Ah. It’s charredbadger.php from the sodwork.com site… Ding. Is that the sound of a light bulb appearing over my head? No, actually it wasn’t – it was a coworker stirring his tea. I guess that light bulb thing only happens in cartoons.

But what is charredbadger.php?, I imagine you asking in a manner that makes me look clever and you look stupid. Well, the short answer is that it’s a browser within a browser, designed to let the user pick an image from another web page – the “foreign” page. This is done by showing the foreign page in a frame with all the images extracted and shown underneath. The user can either click on an image to use it for nefarious deeds or click on a link in the foreign page to follow it. Click on that link up there to see what I mean. Try one of the 3 links on that page – you’ll get the idea.

Of course it’s not as simple as it first looks. Any links clicked on the foreign page have to point back to sodwork or the user would simply be navigated away from sodwork completely. So when a link is clicked on, rather than your browser fetching the page, what actually happens is that the sodwork server (disguising itself as an ordinary web browser) fetches the page from the foreign site. It then looks through the code in the page and replaces all the links in it. The links, which would normally look like “foreignpage.com”, are edited to point back to sodwork in the form:

“sodwork.com/charredbadger.php?link=foreignpage.com”

So although it looks as if you are using the foreign site normally, everything goes through the sodwork server before it appears on your screen.

OK, so what has all this got to do with 3GB of log files and multiple copies of the whole web? Well, calm down and I’ll tell you. Now then. The foreign page is stored in a database on the server so the scripts that produce both the frame with the foreign page and the outer page can extract what they need. The frame gets the links and the outer page extracts the images. This is a temporary database entry that gets cleaned up after it’s used.

Except it doesn’t. Mr. Lazy here (that’s me) didn’t get round to doing the clean-up code. And the logs that MySQL produce don’t get cleaned up between reboots either. So every page that charredbadger fetches is permanently stored in the database and the command that stores it (which includes the entire code of the page) is stored in the database logs. So every page loaded by charredbadger is stored twice on my server. This isn’t normally a problem. charredbadger is not used that much so the database doesn’t get that big and the log files are erased before they start taking up any space.

Until Googlebot comes along, that is. Hello Googlebot. Googlebot is a program used by Google. Googlebot gets a page from a server, stores it (“indexes” it) so that the words in it can be found by the Google search engine and then follows any links in that page to index those pages as well. It uses this method to index entire sites and hop from one site to the next, following the internal and external links, until it’s done the whole World Wide Web.

Now, unlike us dumb humans, when Googlebot looks at the frame within charredbadger, it is smart enough to see that the all links in the foreign site web page, as shown in the frame, are actually links to the sodwork website. Every link on the foreign site appears to Googlebot as an internal link on sodwork.com and following them leads to other pages with even more links which also look like internal links on sodwork.com.

So it follows them. All of them. They lead to other pages which have more links on them to other pages with even more links on them to other pages… You get the idea. Googlebot thinks it’s indexing my site because all these links start with “sodwork.com”, but thanks to the way my server fetches the foreign web pages and adds that “sodwork.com” on the front, it’s actually indexing whatever foreign site happens to be loaded into charredbadger. Remember that this could be any site on the whole WWW.

So where does it stop? It doesn’t. There are supposedly 6 degrees of separation between any two web sites; i.e. 6 links will get from any one site to any other site on the internet. So in theory, Googlebot will keep following links in charredbadger until the whole of the World Wide Web is indexed. Again. Via my web server. Which, if you remember, is storing 2 copies of every page.

So Google gets another copy of the entire internet (well, the WWW bit of it), except with “http://sodwork.com/gamepic/charredbadger.php?” in front of it, and I get two copies of every web page in existence stored on my server – one in a database and one in the logs for that database. It’s handy to have a backup I suppose. Except what happens when the sub-internet indexing that Googlebot is doing gets round to charredbadger on sodwork again? Oh yes, it’s going to start indexing a sub-sub internet copy, with me getting 4 copies of the World Wide Web on my server. And on an on it goes in an endless loop until either Google or I run out of hard drive space.

So it turns out we can get up to the Slovakian language version of the European Parliament website before I run out of hard drive space to store my internets in. I wonder how much further Googlebot and I would have got if I had a bit more space available? I’ll never know – I’ve started tidying up the logs automatically and I’ve told Googlebot not to index anything starting in sodwork.com/gamepic.

Like I should have done to start with. That’ll teach me.

Could you be a BMW driver?

So you think you might have what it takes to be a BMW driver, eh? You’ve got the money, you’ve got a hankering for some German metal, but do you have the right attitude? Not everyone is cut out to be in command of the Ultimate (Crap) Driving Machine ™ and the following questions will show if you are special enough to drive it in the manner everyone will expect you to.

Question 1:

How would you describe your job?

  1. I work in a shop
  2. I program computers
  3. I enable high-end enterprise solutions from synergistic paradigms.

Question 2:

How do you like your coffee?

  1. White, frothy and sweet.
  2. Black and strong – like my men.
  3. The temperature of molten lava, sipped out of a paper cup whilst hurtling down the fast lane of the M25 at 95MPH, two inches away from the bumper of the car in front, flashing my headlights and screaming with futile rage.

Question 3:

The thought of a BMW in the shape of an SUV makes you

  1. come out in a cold sweat at the thought of the sort of person who is going to want to buy something that’s a combination of the two most wankerish vehicles on the road.
  2. come to the conclusion that car manufacturers have given up even the slightest pretence that one of these fuck-ugly behemoths might actually be used off-road.
  3. come.

Question 4:

What is the correct procedure for driving in poor visibility conditions, such as fog or heavy rain?

  1. Always drive so that you can see the tail lights of the car in front. That way you won’t get lost.
  2. Drive as normal, peering myopically out of the windscreen. Grit teeth, cross fingers, pray.
  3. Stay in the fast lane, accelerate hard up to the car in front, slam on your brakes at the last minute, drive 2 inches away from the rear bumper flashing your headlights until they get out of the way. Look – fog isn’t a problem for people like me. I’m in a hurry and I’m in a fucking BMW – get out of the way.

Question 5:

What does that yellow hatching in a box on the ground at a junction signify?

  1. I don’t know.
  2. I don’t care.
  3. It’s an advanced stop box for BMW drivers to wait in until their exit is clear.

Question 6:

There are roadworks ahead and the outside lane is closing 1/2 a mile down the road. You are in the outside lane, sailing past the huge queue of cars. Why are you the only one doing this?

  1. Oh christ, is the lane closing? I didn’t realise. I wondered why all those cars were queuing.
  2. No-one else has thought of doing this. I’m so clever. Suckers.
  3. Look, I really am more important than you and, unlike you, I can’t afford to be late.

Question 7:

You are in a narrow road with oncoming traffic and have been stuck behind a cyclist for 15 seconds. It looks like it’ll be another 15 agonising seconds before you can get past without knocking him into the gutter. What are you thinking?

  1. I think I’ve stayed here long enough to show that I’m not the sort of person who just barges past, so I’ll squeeze past and hope I don’t knock them off. Easy does it…
  2. Bloody bikes. Don’t they know how much they hold me up? I’ve stayed here long enough, I’m going to overtake anyway. Sod him. Why doesn’t he drive a car like normal people? Out of the way peasant.
  3. What cyclist? You mean the one back there, in the pool of blood? I wondered what the noise was. I hope he didn’t fucking scratch the paintwork.

Question 8:

Why did that bloke just shout “WANKER!” at you?

  1. I accidently carved him up. Oops. Sorry.
  2. I deliberately carved him up. Fuck him.
  3. He is so jealous of my superior driving skills it comes out as pure hatred. I love it when someone shouts at me – it shows how awesome I am.

Results:

Mostly a’s: Oh dear. You really aren’t cut out for a BMW and you probably never will be. You would be better off with something like a Prius, a Smart car or, god help you, a bicycle. You might even be a vegetarian. You make me sick.

Mostly b’s: This is slightly better. While you aren’t there yet, there is hope for you. With a bit more aggression and a 1000 PSI ego inflation you might get there one day. Keep acting like you own the road and one day you’ll genuinely believe you do.

Mostly c’s: You’ve made it. You top dog. Everyone else might think you are a wanker but you’ve got enough love for yourself to more than make up for their revulsion. You can barge people out of the way or push in with impunity because you really ARE more important than anyone else. Everyone knows this, they hate you for it and that makes you feel good. You are a natural BMW driver.

This month’s searches

This month, people have mainly been stumbling across this blog as they searched for:

  • green poo toddler” / baby yellow vomit” / dark green poo toddler” / “pale poo vomit” / etc. etc. Nice to know that I’m still number one for the rainbow of diseased bodily fluids. Yay.
  • bmw angel eyes daytime running lights insurance” – er… Yes, very probably.
  • brakes making squidy noises” – Mine sound more like an octopus being fed through a blunt bandsaw.
  • does cocaine make green poo” – I had to look that one up myself – it doesn’t look like it does, interestingly enough. Probably something you ate.
  • fire coming out of a monkey tab” – It’s something to do with guitar notation for a song by the Gorillaz. Thank fuck for that.
  • fucking bmw drivers” – Taking the handbrake off and rolling them over a cliff should do it.

Right. I’m putting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” into this post to try for some interesting search queries for next month.

Mortgage Help

MoneyOne of my more useful sites is the Mortgage Calculator. Actually, it’s now so useful I’ve renamed it Mortgage Analyser. A calculator is something that sits on your desk which you type 55378008 into and turn it upside down for a juvenile flashback. An analyser however, is something that throws more data at you than you know what to do with.

So what is the point of it? It’s fundamental purpose is to get one over on the banks and building societies. Their goal is to sell you as expensive a mortgage as they can trick you into. Currently, a popular way of doing this is to give you a low rate of interest but hit you with huge arrangement fees. So how do you work out if it’s worth paying a higher fee for a better rate? Well, you could work it out on a bit of paper I suppose.

Or you could analyse it online. Just put the numbers in:

  • The amount you are borrowing
  • How long the mortgage is for
  • The interest rate
  • Any fees

And get the answers instantly. Find out what you will be paying, how much more you’ll be paying if you are on a tracker and the interest rate changes and how much you’ll pay in total. Of course, if you’ve looked at the analyser then you’ll have noticed that it does a lot more than just that.

  • Two mortgages can be directly compared with each other.
  • Fees can be either added on to the mortgage or paid outright. Whichever fees are paid by whatever method, it’s automatically taken into account for the calculations.
  • Discounted rates for limited periods are catered for
  • You can see how much earlier the mortgage will end if you make additional payments into it each month. It will also tell you how much money you’ll save.
  • Because you are borrowing money over decades, inflation starts having an effect on the calculations. While the actual amount you pay doesn’t change over the life of the mortgage, what it’s worth does. In this example, 585 in 40 years time will be the equivalent of what 209 is now. Although you are paying 281019, in real terms the value of the money is only 173823.

There is also a graph which shows how the balance of your mortgage goes down over time.  It’s a bit pointless but it does show that for the first few years you aren’t paying much of it back (the line is quite flat) and it does graphically illustrate how much better off you’d be if you made extra payments each month.

That’s it for this utterly humourless  post.  We now return to the regular programming of swearing and ranting.

Number One!

Searching Google for “brightly coloured poo” brings up my blog as the first hit out of 17,800. Naich’s Blog. Number One for people who like their turds with a bit more colour.

I found that out because the server logs (ho ho ho) showed that 2 people have landed at my page following a search for exactly that term. Other searches that led to my blog were “can you get chickenpox in you bum”, “dark green poo toddler” and (rather disturbingly) “your first enema”.

Highlights for June included “baby clear glob”, “naked bmw driver” and “clearing the nose of vomit” (I’m proud to be number 2 on Google for that one).

It’s then pretty dull until we get to April, with “help masturbation” (sorry, I’m busy at the moment) and “gotta survive or try to stay alive ho how old”. Well quite.

Finally, March has a disturbing “symptom coughing up lung”, presumably followed by a search for “how to clean bits of human organ out of your keyboard”.