Search String

Hello web user, who has stopped off at my bog following a badly spelled Google search. Your search terms appear in the site logs. I’ll do my best to help. You searched for: deep rawlplug – Ooh baby. Give me some of that hot plastic plaster-gripped screwing. It’s hard core, sweaty hole in the wall […]

Things I’ve learned this week (updated)

Taliban, my “new” bike* has got a sticker on it, proudly announcing that it’s made from “Ferrocarbon”. Wow! That’s some super space-age high-tech stuff, surely? Oh, hang on. “Ferro” = iron? Iron and carbon… oh yes, that’s steel. So it’s got a steel frame. Wow. That’s great. So much better than manky old aluminium or […]

Lobster nipples

When it comes to the search engine words that bring people here, the chunky carrot floodgates have opened and I’m up to my metaphorical knees in digital puke. Let’s get the technicolour yawns out of the way first: “does cocaine make you vomit”, “dog symptom white frothy vomit”, “toddler yellow vomit”, “dog coughing and vomiting […]

Screwing in skirting

With the words “screwing” and “skirting” in the title, this post will no doubt produce some interesting search terms in the logs but sadly, it’s not as exciting as it sounds. I am, of course, referring to the stuff that goes round the bottom of your walls and the best way of attaching said stuff. […]

Virgin on the ridiculous

I got an email from Virgin today. I’ve got a pay-as-you-go thing on my mobile phone where there’s no contract but it’s paid by direct debit. “Lately, we’ve been thinking about the way you use your phone.” Ahh that’s nice. They have been thinking about little old me. And here was I thinking they were […]

How about some more beans, Mr Taggart?

It’s 4.20am and young Nibbles is thrashing around and crying in the corner of our bedroom, suffering from some nasty wind. When you are only 18 inches long, a bubble of gas going through your digestive tract is a big deal and it’s understandable that he gets upset. I’m comforting him, giving him little pats […]

What is it when dog gags up white frothy phlem?

What is it? It’s a trip to the vets and a bill that will get you hurking up white frothy phlegm too. In the same way Victorian asylum owners would allow honoured guests to poke their unfortunate inmates with sharp sticks, here for your amusement are the search phrases that have brought people to my […]

Nibbles!

Just a quick post to make up for the lack of blathering recently. I’d like to say that the reason for this is that I’ve been occupied with our latest wibbler, James, but that doesn’t really wash because I’ve had time to not only sort out his website with the novelty “nibbl.es” domain, but also […]

Naked vomit poo driver

Oh good lord, it’s that time when I look at the website stats and see what searches have brought people here. Despite my valiant attempts to improve the class of searches by deliberately planting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” a few posts back, it’s more of the same really with the familiar theme of […]

P01NTL E55PLA T35

One of the best ever letters to Viz Magazine has to be the one from a Mr. KWZ 625V of Hull, who suggested “rather than buy an expensive personalised number plate, simply change your name to match your existing one”. It makes sense, especially as the UK numberplate system is that much more inflexible than […]