It’s my new bike. Behold:
My faithless steed
She is a mixture of Taliban (wheels, front brakes, gears), Jedward (seat, pedals, mudguard, handlebars) and the skip-rescue bike, which I called Black Death. In order to commemorate the unholy union of 3 shitty bikes, her name is Jelideath. Let her name ring down through the ages whenever a shit bicycle is mentioned.
Sorry, I don’t really have anything much to say about curry at the moment. It’s been ages since I had one and I think I’m beginning to forget what they taste like. Tragic.
But on to Ebay – I just put this advert on there, for Jedward my faithful steed:
A bike called Jedward
He’s called Jedward because he’s crap. When I bought him he was crap. The brakes didn’t really work in the wet – as I hurtled to my doom they made a distant mooing sound, like a cow in the next field. The tyres were falling to bits and both the back and front wheels were buckled. But then I found another bike that was going to be chucked in a skip and, using bits from another junker and Jedward, I managed to cobble together something that was rubbish but wouldn’t actually kill me the next time there was a bit of drizzle in the air. Which leaves Jedward, who was crap at the best of times, and now even crapper than when I bought him because he’s had all the 1/4 decent bits taken off and replaced with the 1/8th decent bits from the skip-rescued one.
So what are you bidding on? All the bits that make up a bike are there. All you need to do is tighten everything up and you’ve got yourself a death-trap that no-one in their right mind would ride without the legally-binding promise, signed by at least 4 gods, of 200 virgins waiting for him (or her) on the other side. Seriously, you don’t want to ride this one home and I purposely left everything loose so he’s un-rideable. What’s good about him? Well, the frame and forks aren’t too bad and the dust covers on the tyre valves are in tip top condition. Other than that, he’s crap.
No panic bidding please.
* “New” as in “given to me by a friend because he hated riding it so much”. It might be slow, heavy and a bit crap but… er… um… Anyway, Taliban puts the “fun” into “fundamental”. And the “mental”. And, presumably, the “da” too, but I’ve no idea what that means.