When it comes to the search engine words that bring people here, the chunky carrot floodgates have opened and I’m up to my metaphorical knees in digital puke. Let’s get the technicolour yawns out of the way first:

• “does cocaine make you vomit”, “dog symptom white frothy vomit”, “toddler yellow vomit”, “dog coughing and vomiting white frothy” etc. etc... I don’t know if it’s all this vomit talk, but I feel sick. I would look up my symptoms on Google, but it seems I’d just end up back here.
• “how to get used to vomit”. Look after a baby for a few weeks and you will become old friends with the entire rainbow of bodily fluids the little chap can fire in your direction.

Now we’ve got that out of our system (and in a steaming puddle on the floor), let’s get down to… well, more bodily functions.

• “zoe ball farts”. She probably does. I’ll bet Gandhi and Mussolini farted too, but I don’t see why I’d need to look it up on Google to confirm it. Anyone got any ideas why her rectal emissions keep cropping up?
  
• “anal celery”. YES!!!! It’s been a few months since I seeded those words, but it had to bring someone in eventually. Someone who likes poking celery up their bottom. Now I’ve had success with that, I’ll try something a bit more obscure. Let’s see if “lobster nipples” hooks anyone in. This is a bit like reverse googlewhacking, but a fraction of the fun.
• “naich in nails”. I think you meant “Naich is nails”, and why yes, I am hard as fucking nails. Thank you. Either that or you were typing “nine inch nails” with fingers the size of cucumbers.
• “naked nibbl”. Sounds like fun. But if you are doing it in the kitchen, don’t get into a squabl about dribbl on the tabl.
• “prius bumper whiskers”. The latest fashion accessory for your faux green vehicle. Make your car look like Stalin with a huge bushy bumper moustache.
• “i-strut crimping”. Now, this could just be the way my mind works, but this conjures up an image of John Travolta in a white suit, dancing on a flashing disco floor in the style of someone who is desperately trying to hold in a large pooh whilst franticly searching his pockets for 10p for the public bogs. But that could just be me.
• “medised doesn’t work”. It just makes you worse. But I know I’ll see your face again.

That’ll do for now. Don’t forget those lobster nipples. You never know when you’ll need them.