Naich's Crappy Blog

  • What is it when dog gags up white frothy phlem?

    What is it? It’s a trip to the vets and a bill that will get you hurking up white frothy phlegm too.

    In the same way Victorian asylum owners would allow honoured guests to poke their unfortunate inmates with sharp sticks, here for your amusement are the search phrases that have brought people to my blog. People who were desperately searching for answers to real problems, only to find themselves here, having the piss taken out of them. Piss and yellow poo. Hee hee, snurk.

    • prius car bandsaw – is that one shaped like the other or the best way to use one on the other?
    • toddler cough symptom weasel sound – Has your toddler gotten a lot more hairy recently? Grown a bushy tail, a pointy nose and whiskers? You remember when you went for that picnic in the woods and you put your toddler down on the ground while you did up your shoelace? There’s a possibility you might have picked up something other than your child.
    • toddler gets constant colds – Tell me about it. And any other disease that comes within 10 feet of them. Nibbles treated us to some fairly serious constipation recently and didn’t poo for a couple of days. He decided to let go just as I was running a belt-full of shopping through the till at Tescos. The nappy he was in didn’t stand a chance of containing the explosion and he almost blew a hole in the trolley seat. That was a fun drive home. Oh, and he’s got another cold now.
    • blinking light in my bmw x3 – Yeah it’s supposed to do that. It’s called an indicator light and it shows other people what you are about to do with your fuck-ugly tank. You know that sticky out thing on the side of the steering column that you hang your handbag on? Try moving it up and down. See? That makes those orange lights blink. Now, believe it or not, there ARE other people on the road, and telling them where you are about to turn means they can take steps to avoid being crushed to death under the wheels of your Panzer.
    • vomit blog kids – Now that’s a catchy name for a group of perky Web 2.0 teenagers with a video camera and a desperate lust for pointless fame on YouTube. It’s the Vomit Blog Kids! *dah de dah de dah* “Dudes! This week it’s vinegar! *Blooaargh*” etc. etc. Who am I kidding? It’s probably been done so much it’s passée. It’s probably happy stabbing or something equally revolting that’s in vogue now.

  • Nibbles!

    Just a quick post to make up for the lack of blathering recently. I’d like to say that the reason for this is that I’ve been occupied with our latest wibbler, James, but that doesn’t really wash because I’ve had time to not only sort out his website with the novelty “nibbl.es” domain, but also another one of “asshol.es”. So there we go – I’m a big fat liar of a weasel with two absolutely hilarious new domains. Mind the ribs. Oh yes, “asshol.es” is for sale, if you want it. Just don’t tell me what you intend to put on it. I’ve seen things that… well, just don’t tell me, OK?

    But the important thing is that James is doing fine. He’s got the nickname “Nibbles” because he’s always hungry; if he’s not attached to a boob, he’s not happy. Insert obvious joke here. The reason becomes clear when you realise that his weight has increased from 7lbs 1oz to 9lbs in two weeks. So he’s putting on a pound every week – that’s 14% of his body weight. No wonder he’s hungry all the time – that’s like me putting on almost 2 stones in a week. That’s some serious porking.

    That’s it for now. I’ll be getting back to the normal codswallop, vague unfocussed rantings all too soon.

  • Naked vomit poo driver

    Oh good lord, it’s that time when I look at the website stats and see what searches have brought people here. Despite my valiant attempts to improve the class of searches by deliberately planting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” a few posts back, it’s more of the same really with the familiar theme of vomit/poo/BMWs.

    Let’s start off with

    • naked bmw driver – Scary
    • adjectives beginning with s – that’s seriously and stupidly shit.
    • my motorbike seems wobbly when i go fast – That’s a speed wobble caused by the resonant frequency of the steering system. The trick is to go faster and then it’ll stop. Or get a steering damper, but that’s not so fun. There you go – some genuinely helpful advice. Who says this blog is just full of useless crap?
    • naked woman road rage – was this person a victim of it? I don’t know whether to be jealous or not.
    • things your mum used to sayto you when you were a kid – “bloody hell, what are you doing in that bathroom day and night? Come on – other people need to use it too”.
    • bmw wanker a bicycle – Naich confuser by search term.
    • that’ll never happen no more tablature – yeah, but you always think that and then BAM – some more tablature comes along and you have to degrease your elk costume again.
    • zoe ball farting – well, we’ve all wanted to find information on Zoe Ball’s rectal emissions at one time or another, haven’t we? Come on – admit it. You have.

    So there we have it for another month. Celery anal leech, for the third and last time. Come on.

  • This month’s searches

    This month, people have mainly been stumbling across this blog as they searched for:

    • “green poo toddler” / “baby yellow vomit” / “dark green poo toddler” / “pale poo vomit” / etc. etc. Nice to know that I’m still number one for the rainbow of diseased bodily fluids. Yay.
    • “bmw angel eyes daytime running lights insurance” – er… Yes, very probably.
    • “brakes making squidy noises” – Mine sound more like an octopus being fed through a blunt bandsaw.
    • “does cocaine make green poo” – I had to look that one up myself – it doesn’t look like it does, interestingly enough. Probably something you ate.
    • “fire coming out of a monkey tab” – It’s something to do with guitar notation for a song by the Gorillaz. Thank fuck for that.
    • “fucking bmw drivers” – Taking the handbrake off and rolling them over a cliff should do it.

    Right. I’m putting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” into this post to try for some interesting search queries for next month.