Oh good lord, it’s that time when I look at the website stats and see what searches have brought people here. Despite my valiant attempts to improve the class of searches by deliberately planting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” a few posts back, it’s more of the same really with the familiar theme of vomit/poo/BMWs.

Let’s start off with

• naked bmw driver – Scary
• adjectives beginning with s – that’s seriously and stupidly shit.
• my motorbike seems wobbly when i go fast – That’s a speed wobble caused by the resonant frequency of the steering system. The trick is to go faster and then it’ll stop. Or get a steering damper, but that’s not so fun. There you go – some genuinely helpful advice. Who says this blog is just full of useless crap?
• naked woman road rage – was this person a victim of it? I don’t know whether to be jealous or not.
• things your mum used to sayto you when you were a kid – “bloody hell, what are you doing in that bathroom day and night? Come on – other people need to use it too”.
• bmw wanker a bicycle – Naich confuser by search term.
• that’ll never happen no more tablature – yeah, but you always think that and then BAM – some more tablature comes along and you have to degrease your elk costume again.
• zoe ball farting – well, we’ve all wanted to find information on Zoe Ball’s rectal emissions at one time or another, haven’t we? Come on – admit it. You have.

So there we have it for another month. Celery anal leech, for the third and last time. Come on.

This month, people have mainly been stumbling across this blog as they searched for:

• “green poo toddler” / “baby yellow vomit” / “dark green poo toddler” / “pale poo vomit” / etc. etc. Nice to know that I’m still number one for the rainbow of diseased bodily fluids. Yay.
• “bmw angel eyes daytime running lights insurance” – er… Yes, very probably.
• “brakes making squidy noises” – Mine sound more like an octopus being fed through a blunt bandsaw.
• “does cocaine make green poo” – I had to look that one up myself – it doesn’t look like it does, interestingly enough. Probably something you ate.
  
• “fire coming out of a monkey tab” – It’s something to do with guitar notation for a song by the Gorillaz. Thank fuck for that.
• “fucking bmw drivers” – Taking the handbrake off and rolling them over a cliff should do it.

Right. I’m putting the words “celery”, “anal” and “leech” into this post to try for some interesting search queries for next month.

Searching Google for “brightly coloured poo” brings up my blog as the first hit out of 17,800. Naich’s Blog. Number One for people who like their turds with a bit more colour.

I found that out because the server logs (ho ho ho) showed that 2 people have landed at my page following a search for exactly that term. Other searches that led to my blog were “can you get chickenpox in you bum”, “dark green poo toddler” and (rather disturbingly) “your first enema”.

Highlights for June included “baby clear glob”, “naked bmw driver” and “clearing the nose of vomit” (I’m proud to be number 2 on Google for that one).

It’s then pretty dull until we get to April, with “help masturbation” (sorry, I’m busy at the moment) and “gotta survive or try to stay alive ho how old”. Well quite.

Finally, March has a disturbing “symptom coughing up lung”, presumably followed by a search for “how to clean bits of human organ out of your keyboard”.