Virgin on the ridiculous

I got an email from Virgin today. I’ve got a pay-as-you-go thing on my mobile phone where there’s no contract but it’s paid by direct debit.

“Lately, we’ve been thinking about the way you use your phone.”

Ahh that’s nice. They have been thinking about little old me. And here was I thinking they were a bland, faceless reseller of T-Mobile airtime. I feel all warm and cuddly now.

“Some people mostly make calls to friends and family on the same network and other people make calls to all sorts of networks. So we thought our tariffs should reflect just that.”

Translation: There were some people who used their phone in a manner that meant we weren’t milking them sufficiently. We’ve changed our tariffs so everyone gets screwed properly.

“That’s why we’re introducing some changes. They’ll make it easier for you to choose the tariff that’s right for you.”

Ahh, that’s lovely. Thank you for making it easier for me to choose. But how are you going to do that?

Ooh, I know. How about putting up the prices on my tariff and then offering me an alternative that’s even more expensive? You will? Oh gosh! Thank you Virgin! You really are the company that cares about making choices easy for me. That choice might cost me and arm and a leg, but it’s worth it because it’s easy and you’ve been thinking about me. Aaaahhhhh. The warmth and fuzziness is overwhelming me.

Excuse me while I vomit up a kidney.

It’s not the price increase that bothers me – you can charge what you want and I’ll take it or leave it, but don’t increase prices and then try to convince me that you have my best interests at heart and are doing it for my benefit.   Oh, and the “we’re a groovy friendly company” wankspeak doesn’t make you appear as anything other than a bunch of money-grabbing faceless corporate tossers who are desperately trying to cover up the fact that you are a bunch of money-grabbing faceless corporate tossers.