I haven’t been almost run over by a bus for a few weeks now and to be honest, it feels a bit odd. Maybe fate is storing up a biggy for me? Look out for reports in the papers of someone being simultaneously squished between two buses and a BMW. In the meantime here is a nice easy piece with some feeble bleatings that I thought I’d chuck in for lack of anything better to write about. Oh, and by “easy” I mean easy for me to write. You’ll probably hate it.
Here is a list of things I don’t like. Original, eh?
- People who make these sorts of lists and miss out world hunger, peace etc. What is the worst thing about living on this planet? Is it being unable to program the video recorder or running out of bog roll? I don’t fucking think so. How about watching your loved ones die from malnutrition because of famine, war, genocide or one of the other myriad ways that us humans have found of being complete and utter bastards to each other? Oh, sorry, that doesn’t count because there isn’t a comedy angle. Hello genie from the bottle. Three wishes? I’ll get rid of traffic wardens, make myself a millionaire and add an inch to my knob. Fuck everyone else. Twats. Yes, I do realise that I’m getting a bit worked up about a situation that is unlikely to actually occur in real life but it’s the principle that counts.
- The christian god and possibly some of the other gods too. Sorry, this might start getting a bit more humourous soon but in the meantime consider that this world and all the horrible things that go on in it (see point 1 above) was created by a god that knew it was going to happen (omniescent) and could have prevented it (omnipotent). So he’s either watching us suffer for his amusement or he’s a bit incompetent. Oh, what’s that you’re bleating on about? Free will? Complete cock and I’ll tell you why. I’m not a god (no really), but I do make things that have the potential to hurt. I’m thinking about some of the precision mains-powered equipment I’ve built for students and researchers to use as door stops, hammers etc. Now, am I infringing on their free will by covering up the dangerous high voltage bits so they don’t kill themselves? I know – in future I’ll leave all the wiring exposed, knowing full well that eventually someone is going to kill themselves on it, and simply explain to the judge all about free will and how it’s not really my fault that someone got fried. That’ll go down a treat. Or should I just do what god apparently can’t, and carry on making things that work properly without causing unimaginable suffering? Yes, I know that god doesn’t really exist but it’s the hypocrisy of christians thinking that only they can be truly moral, whilst worshipping something that’s either truly evil or really stupid that gets me. I really shouldn’t care about it.
- People who use the word “Literally” when the mean “Metaphorically”. No, you didn’t “literally laugh your head off” because there isn’t a bloody stump on the top of your shoulders. There is, however, a squidgy lump with a brain in it that can’t use the English language correctly. “Literally” means that something is exactly as you say it, and people who use it for emphasis literally make me vomit. No, of course they don’t; that’s an example of how stupid it is. Earlier on this evening Zoe Ball said that the fate of the contestants on that Grease is the Word thing was “literally in your hands”. Well, Zoe, let me tell you that the only thing in my hands at the time was my head, as I pondered the irony that such a brilliant human being as Johnny Ball could have such an empty headed tart as you for a daughter.
- Microsoft. Ooh, I’m going after the hard targets here, aren’t I? I’ll keep this one short. Huge company makes massive profits selling cheap stuff for lots of money by having a sales team who know how to manipulate the cretins that make purchasing decisions at work for the poor sods that have to use their crappy software. The poor sods learn to handle it at work and want to use it at home too, thinking that it’s normal for software to be buggy, slow, hungry and traitorous. Of course it’s far more complicated than that but I can’t be arsed to go into it here. In the meantime, please download Ubuntu Linux and see how good life can be without Microsoft shackles. You don’t need to install anything, just burn it to a CD, insert and reboot. Your computer’s hard drive will remain untouched but you might be touched by how different your computer behaves.
- Complicated VCR programming procedures. It’s traditional. Fuck it – why not?
- Running out of ideas after only 4 sections. Ummm…