I want to discover a fundamental force of nature. What I’ll do is give it the unit of a “manilli”. Everyone will wonder why until they realise what 1/1000th of a manilli is. Then they will get that awful tune stuck in their head and hate me.
I’ve not had much to say for myself recently. Obviously I’ve had no interesting thoughts since June, and then it was about getting bits of metal out of a skip. What a life I must lead.
Highlights since the last blog entry:
- Fixed the brakes on my bike
- Fixed the washing line
- Poisoned two rats
- Pumped up the car’s tyres
- Went bungee jumping in Wales, fell 200 feet before the rope snapped, crashed head-first into an underground cavern where I discovered that Keith Harris was plotting to use a nuclear arsenal to overthrow the world’s governments and install Orville the Duck as Supreme Overlord of the Earth, beat him up with my bare hands, pulled Orville’s stuffing out and disarmed 24 nuclear bombs using nothing but my knowledge of Portable Appliance Testing and an elastic band the postman had dropped outside the front door
- Mowed the lawn
- Bought a long handled spoon
I made one of those up, by the way.
And lo! did Naich go rummaging in the Cav. skips in search of a bit of metal that would hold his reservoir securely in his chiller box. Praying to Ceilliau Blewog, the goddess of salvage, he dived head first into the metals skip. And in her wisdom Ceilliau Blewog did deliver unto his hand the perfect bit of metal, complete with holes already drilled in it. And there was much rejoicing. And Naich did praise Ceilliau Blewog and promise to offer up a sacrifice of a small annoying cat on his return home.
Have a look at this story – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-12449643 Headline: “Million children ‘severely maltreated’, says NSPCC”. Holy shit! “One in four people in the UK, aged between 18 and 24, claims to have experienced severe violence, sexual abuse or neglect as a child, says the children’s charity the NSPCC.” Then you read the article and find …
Here’s how to get rich.
1. Hire an empty shop for a couple of weeks.
2. Find a sofa/bed/whatever shop that is doing one of these “if you can find it cheaper, we’ll give you double the difference” deals.
3. Buy a sofa/bed/whatever from the shop.
4. Sell it in your shop at 1/2 the price you bought it for.
5. Go back to the sofa/bed/whatever shop and demand double the difference, citing the prices at your shop.
6. Go back to step 3, using the money they just gave you. Keep doing this until you have all their stock in your shop.
Congratulations! You now have a fully stocked shop for the price of one sofa/bed/whatever. Everyone will buy from your shop because that other one is twice the price and never has anything in stock.
They’re caught in a nut,
they can’t swim out,
because I don’t want any more babies…
I’ve got the all-clear letter framed and hung above the bed.
You would have thought that two vasectomies would be enough to stop the little buggers getting through, but no. The first set of tests have come back positive for (frankly quite impressive) swimmers. I’m shortly going to be cracking off with what will be my 10th test since I started this whole thing, and I’m starting to get worried. My palms are all hairy and I now fancy plastic sample pots. Looks like a 3rd vasectomy could be on the cards…
Mine wasn’t as noble as MLK’s. I dreamed I was sleeping with Bruce Forsythe for his money. It was horrible. He was all wrinkly and smelt of gin.
Got Wibs Star Wars Lego for the PS2 and we had a 2 player game before one
of the controllers broke.
Wibs: “Daddy – why did you kill Jar Jar Binks?”
Me: “Sorry, it was an accident”
Wibs: “Daddy – don’t kill Jar Jar Binks”
Me: “Sorry Wibs, I mistook him for someone else”
Wibs: “Daddy – stop killing Jar Jar Binks”
Me: “Sorry Wibs, my finger slipped”
Wibs: “DADDY! STOP KILLING JAR JAR BINKS”
Me: “Oh go on. Just once more”
It’s my new bike. Behold:
She is a mixture of Taliban (wheels, front brakes, gears), Jedward (seat, pedals, mudguard, handlebars) and the skip-rescue bike, which I called Black Death. In order to commemorate the unholy union of 3 shitty bikes, her name is Jelideath. Let her name ring down through the ages whenever a shit bicycle is mentioned.