Gosh, where do I start. There are so many people want me to join their exclusive circles. I had a letter from the Vice Chancellor of Cambridge University (or “Vicey”, as I call him), asking me – actually more like begging me to join him for a swanky reception with canapes and vino. He used the excuse that it was for my 25 years service working at the uni, but come off it – who wouldn’t want the company of a badly dressed, slightly brain damaged electronics technician, staggering around guzzling wine and belching pastry fumes?
But even more exciting was my email invitation to join the Freemason Illuminati. I didn’t even realise there was one until I got their mail! They obviously like the cut of my gib and I was just thinking it was about time I heard from the shadowy evil secret rulers of the world. If anyone would like any favours once I’ve joined the select elite, let me know. This is what they sent. It all seems totally legit.
Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2012 09:30:03 +1200
From: freemason illuminati <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: we call
You are receiving this mail in regards of the freemason confraternity of the
whole wide world (FCWWW).
You are moving well in what you are doing but in order to make it easier for
you, we have concluded for you to be a part of us as a member to sign your
life to us and have any thing you need.
Be it any thing in the whole wide world.
You can’t refuse us now for it’s too late.
Get back to us now for your Illuminati membership Order and also for you to
know more about the ancient ILLUMINATI FORUM and also the Orientation and
goals that we pursue.
Get back to acquire your goal now.
I can’t wait to set up some sort of super-villain style base on a Caribbean island. I’ll need some sidekicks if anyone is interested. You’ll have to improvise with the sinister weapons until I get set up properly. I’ll see if I can get some sort of poisoned dart cigarette holder made up, or maybe a miniature gun in a mobile phone, but in the meantime you could use a brick in a sock to bludgeon people to death.