So you think you might have what it takes to be a BMW driver, eh? You’ve got the money, you’ve got a hankering for some German metal, but do you have the right attitude? Not everyone is cut out to be in command of the Ultimate (Crap) Driving Machine ™ and the following questions will show if you are special enough to drive it in the manner everyone will expect you to.
How would you describe your job?
- I work in a shop
- I program computers
- I enable high-end enterprise solutions from synergistic paradigms.
How do you like your coffee?
- White, frothy and sweet.
- Black and strong – like my men.
- The temperature of molten lava, sipped out of a paper cup whilst hurtling down the fast lane of the M25 at 95MPH, two inches away from the bumper of the car in front, flashing my headlights and screaming with futile rage.
The thought of a BMW in the shape of an SUV makes you
- come out in a cold sweat at the thought of the sort of person who is going to want to buy something that’s a combination of the two most wankerish vehicles on the road.
- come to the conclusion that car manufacturers have given up even the slightest pretence that one of these fuck-ugly behemoths might actually be used off-road.
What is the correct procedure for driving in poor visibility conditions, such as fog or heavy rain?
- Always drive so that you can see the tail lights of the car in front. That way you won’t get lost.
- Drive as normal, peering myopically out of the windscreen. Grit teeth, cross fingers, pray.
- Stay in the fast lane, accelerate hard up to the car in front, slam on your brakes at the last minute, drive 2 inches away from the rear bumper flashing your headlights until they get out of the way. Look – fog isn’t a problem for people like me. I’m in a hurry and I’m in a fucking BMW – get out of the way.
What does that yellow hatching in a box on the ground at a junction signify?
- I don’t know.
- I don’t care.
- It’s an advanced stop box for BMW drivers to wait in until their exit is clear.
There are roadworks ahead and the outside lane is closing 1/2 a mile down the road. You are in the outside lane, sailing past the huge queue of cars. Why are you the only one doing this?
- Oh christ, is the lane closing? I didn’t realise. I wondered why all those cars were queuing.
- No-one else has thought of doing this. I’m so clever. Suckers.
- Look, I really am more important than you and, unlike you, I can’t afford to be late.
You are in a narrow road with oncoming traffic and have been stuck behind a cyclist for 15 seconds. It looks like it’ll be another 15 agonising seconds before you can get past without knocking him into the gutter. What are you thinking?
- I think I’ve stayed here long enough to show that I’m not the sort of person who just barges past, so I’ll squeeze past and hope I don’t knock them off. Easy does it…
- Bloody bikes. Don’t they know how much they hold me up? I’ve stayed here long enough, I’m going to overtake anyway. Sod him. Why doesn’t he drive a car like normal people? Out of the way peasant.
- What cyclist? You mean the one back there, in the pool of blood? I wondered what the noise was. I hope he didn’t fucking scratch the paintwork.
Why did that bloke just shout “WANKER!” at you?
- I accidently carved him up. Oops. Sorry.
- I deliberately carved him up. Fuck him.
- He is so jealous of my superior driving skills it comes out as pure hatred. I love it when someone shouts at me – it shows how awesome I am.
Mostly a’s: Oh dear. You really aren’t cut out for a BMW and you probably never will be. You would be better off with something like a Prius, a Smart car or, god help you, a bicycle. You might even be a vegetarian. You make me sick.
Mostly b’s: This is slightly better. While you aren’t there yet, there is hope for you. With a bit more aggression and a 1000 PSI ego inflation you might get there one day. Keep acting like you own the road and one day you’ll genuinely believe you do.
Mostly c’s: You’ve made it. You top dog. Everyone else might think you are a wanker but you’ve got enough love for yourself to more than make up for their revulsion. You can barge people out of the way or push in with impunity because you really ARE more important than anyone else. Everyone knows this, they hate you for it and that makes you feel good. You are a natural BMW driver.